did you hear something

So J and I get home the other day and there is a stack of Amazon boxes, not an unusual occurrence. I get clogs (smell like plastic; returning) and my favorite sunscreen (Biore Perfect Face Milk, PA+++++++++, all the way from Japan) and J gets a Gibson shirt. One big heavy box with someone else’s name and address is at the bottom. I immediately hop on Amazon to tell them and the customer service rep says the items have already been replaced, so whatever is in the box is mine to “discard or donate”.

With a little too much enthusiasm, admittedly, I dive in. It’s like Peeping Tom and Santa Claus appeared at once, even though the box is most likely to contain some banal necessities of life, like fish tank pebbles or multi packs of Windex.

Item #1: two-pack of lavender scented Baby Foot exfoliating foot masks. Okay. I don’t care for Baby Foot, but its presence suggests a certain level of beauty savvy; there could be a giant vat of La Mer underneath, or maybe an Urban Decay palette.

Items #2 and 3: PlayStation 4 games. No clue what they are but they are both marked M FOR MATURE so I can only assume lots of lifelike gore, bloodshed and pixilated boobs.

Item #4: PlayStation 4, Call of Duty flavor. V heavy. J and I have a repro Atari with wired controllers, so we are not the target audience.

Item #5: pair of rose gold tone 14 gauge nipple rings with “crystal” accents. Not even CZs, people! Why does this bug me? They’re nipples! They deserve better than this.

And at the end of this, I’m left with feeling like someone’s day was seriously ruined by not getting this box on time. Also, would it be creepy to donate a perfectly nice brand new and unworn pair of nipple rings to the humane society? Please advise.